I Dont Care About Reboots And You Shouldn’t Either

I’m about to do something that’s hardly been done before on the internet.

I’m going to get excited for a reboot.

Now, don’t start out hating me for not liking Big Trouble in Little China. I love that flick. I can quote it word for word, beginning to end. I saw it theaters 4 times and own some action figures as well as the rare soundtrack.

When word got out the Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson wanted to play Jack Burton, people went nuts. You know, internet nuts. Like webpages devoted to hating something that isn’t even written yet and memes created by oh so funny people who think they’re funny, but instead you just kind of smirk and page down.

Can you smell what Burton is cooking?

Can you smell what Burton is cooking?

We’re going to get reboots.

You can’t stop them.

Hollywood won’t stop making them.

There. That’s the best I can do for some of you and, that’s probably all some of you need to know.

Now for the rest of you, here’s the skinny.

Ready?

It. Doesn’t. Matter.

Now say it with me one time. All together.

It.

Doesn’t.

Matter.

When it comes to Hollywood, they want one thing from you. Positive feedback. They don’t care about the negativity. When they tried to get the Internet to help make Snakes On A Plane, there were some bad ideas, but it didn’t matter because in Hollywood’s eyes, the more people that logged on to help were all the more tickets they would sell.

Unfortunately, Hollywood didn’t predict that most of those  logging on were only going to torrent the movie anyway.

Yes. Hollywood is out of ideas. You were right all along. Congrats. Feel free to smirk and gloat for about 5 more minutes, then stop it because no one cares.  No, not in the least.

People need to start understanding that Hollywood isn’t made of highly intelligent script writers who sit in rooms for months thinking about what you would like.

It’s filled with people like you and me who either want to film something they think is wonderful, like “life of Pi” film something they think will just make money, like the newest Fantas4ic Four or people who want to just make a movie and screw you if it doesn’t make anything because at least it was different and creative, like “Safety Not Guaranteed”.

They are people with better equipment and better actors while the rest of us are stuck filming our little brother and girlfriend, acting out the Star Trek Fan Film you wrote about how Captain Kirk is really Spocks lover.

Reboot is the new genre. There was Star Wars rip offs in the 70’s, 3D movies in the 90’s, zombie movies in the 00’s and now it’s reboots. There’s Ghostbusters, Star Trek, Fantastic Four and rumors of Big Trouble In Little China, Point Break and more.

Hollywood is scared. They stay up at night worrying that people might not love the kind and tender way they handle rebooted scripts because…..

bwahaha

Sorry, no. It’s all for money.

Oh, sure. The directors want to do what they can and make something they can be proud of. Who wouldn’t? The boss gave you a crappy report and said, “Make this look good”, so you’re going to do what you can with what you have.

I’m sure Paul Feig is well aware people are going to hate the new Ghostbusters. I’m also sure he isn’t losing any sleep over it. Why? Because his job is to make a movie that gets butts into seats. Same as Abrahms and Star Trek

But why hate movies like the new Ghostbusters? Why hate something you haven’t even seen?

What if someone told you they were making a place called Mouseland and it had a character called Michael Mouse but all the rides were about the same as Disneyland? Meanwhile, Disneyland was closed and had been for some time. Closed long enough where you could still visit it, but weeds were poking through the cement and most of the rides didn’t work. You could ask your friends, “Remember the time we rode that?” and some would say, “Yes.” but some would just shrug and go off to do other things.

Would you still at least TRY to like the new place or simply stand outside the gates and scream about how different the place was, how it wasn’t the same and you should all feel bad for buying a ticket?!!

I own a full blown, movie quality Ghostbuster Proton Pack. I’ve worked hard on it. I also own a jumpsuit and several other toys. I’ve spent far too much money on the things I have. I also saw Ghostbusters too many times to count, just in the theater alone. Also when it was re-released.

So am I going to go see the new movie? You bet. Why? Because I like Ghostbusters.

8a33c236-Ghostbusters

Different Ghostbusters? I’ve never heard of such a thing. Oh, wait….

Where were the people screaming about Extreme Ghostbusters? I mean, a woman? A guy in a wheelchair? TWO minorities? Where was Venkman? Or Stantz? THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS?!?!

Oh, yeah. You see, I didn’t care for it because of the writing, so I stopped watching it. To my surprise, it didn’t take away any memories of the Real Ghostbusters or the movies! Strange, huh? I simply didn’t watch the thing I didn’t like. It didn’t “rape my childhood” of earlier versions nor did I tell people they were stupid for liking it.

It just simply was for others and wasn’t for me.

Will I watch the new Big Trouble In Little China? You bet. I like The Rock and Rundown is one of my secret favorite pleasures to watch.

You’ll find as we get older, other people, younger people, would like a chance to see things that are new. So where does that leave us?

On the bridge of the Enterprise saying, “Second star to the right. And straight on till morning.”

As geeks and nerds, we LOOOOVE hating things. Oh, people will tell you different. People will say Nerds are the most accepting people ever.

That’s uh….that’s simply not true. Oh, we’re nice to other people to their face and at conventions, but tell someone over the Internet you believe Quentin made a better Spock than Nimoy and you might as well be a Seahawks fan in Minnesota.

We can truly be drama queens because the things we like are popular and always out there in public. And for some reason we think if we hate something loud enough, we’ll be famous.

Like, internet famous. Like Grumpy Cat famous. No. There’s no difference.

It’s easy to hate something. I could pick apart Star Wars until I’m blue milked in the face, but what good would it do? Stop everyone’s memories of the movie? Make all the copies melt all over the World, never to be played again?

No, being a drama queen about a movie is a waste of your time and my time.

Let’s look at the Poltergeist reboot.

The original made $76,6 million

The remake made $95.6 million.

What does that mean? Nothing

The complaining about this reboot literally lasted longer than the release. It came and went. It was at the dollar theater before I even had the time to watch it. So screaming about how it was such a bad idea? Congrats again. Your No-Prize is in the mail.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s fine to dislike something. Sometimes even fun. I think Star Wars jumped the shark when it introduced Midichloreans. Yet, I’m not starting up webpages about how if you believe it was a good idea to introduce them, you should be burned at the stake. I’m also not running around screaming how my childhood makes no sense now and I simply can’t watch New Hope ever again with this knowledge.

I don’t like the prequels, so here’s the deal.

I don’t watch them either.

Reboots aren’t erasing ANYTHING you have watched before. It’s not Total Recall.

The, uh, first one. No wait, the second one to. Or like Time Cop, which was rebooted as a tv series with a different plot.

Just because something new is coming, doesn’t mean the old things are erased or simply vanish. If you touch a dvd of Star Trek II: Wrath of Khan to Star Trek Into Darkness, they will not both merge and melt into one unplayable thing.

So put your Oscar gown away, stop being such a drama queen, remember the great feelings of childhood and start putting your energy into things that matter.

Like that fan film you wrote about a vice cop played by David Lee Roth saves a rock and roll star, played by Don Johnson, called Panama Vice.

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