The beginning titles make you re-think watching it as, lets face it, ventriloquist movies are weird in and of themselves.
I mean, one, scary dummy.
Two. People who create these things.
Three. Scary dummy.
So the hero of the story, Jamie ( a dude) is seen living with his wife. They get a mysterious package which turns out to be a wooden box (cough**coffin**cough) and inside is the dummy.
They think, well that’s weird, put the doll on her bed and continue their dinner date.
His wife throws a sheet over the dummy when she thinks it’s watching her get dressed.
Once she leaves the room, the lights go out, a tea pot screams (they were having tea? ) and Jamie is no where to be found.
She looks back to see the dummy who is taller under the sheet, so instead freaking the fark out, she walks towards it. The sheet goes over her and she’s thrown across the room, then dragged into the bedroom, assuming by something 3 feet tall.
Jamie comes home with groceries for their dinner (don’t remember him saying he was leaving) and comes home to blood on the floor and someone with his wife’s voice telling him to come into the bedroom.
Jamie finds his girlfriend, mouth cut open like a dummy’s, in a frozen position.
As Jamie is taken the police station we see Donny Wahlberg as a …..
OK. I guess.
I mean, a guys got bills to pay.
So Jamie is accused but there’s no proof so he’s let go.
Jamie returns to his apartment, rips up the (coffin) and finds an address to who might have sent it.
He’s sent to Ravens Fair which sounds bad enough, given that it sounds like a Renaissance Fair would be held everyday like Disneyland, but it’s not.
It’s a shut down, this place for sale, out of business kind of place.
He’s met by someone who knows him, Ella his step mother, who Jamie has never met.
Jamie finds out his father had a stroke and is in a wheelchair.
They play out the whole, troubled past cliche and Jamie asks if anyone remembers a creepy poem about a women who had dolls and how you shouldn’t look at her.
We find out that Jamie has brought his wife’s body the town because that’s where he used to live.
Jamie goes to stay at the only Hotel, located outside of the town and apparently the only place painted with a color other than grey.
He sets the dummy on a chair to look out the window and in no way is that creepy instead of leaving it in a bag or the trunk of his car.
Dude, no one is stealing your dummy.
So Jamie gets the only room underneath the flashing vacancy sign and falls asleep.
We see the dummy’s eyes move towards Jamie and the flashing red sign gives us some more mysterious flashes of scary stuff.
I mean, seriously, how much was this room? Is that all they had? Were the others destroyed by mice? You can’t have a lot of people staying here. Demand a better room.
Anyway, Jamie’s wife gets to the morgue at, of course, late night.
The mortician looks at her body and says, “No…it can’t be.” and then takes photos of it because, ew. Dude. Worst hobby ever.
Now the mortician lives with a creepy old woman, Marion, who we’ve seen a couple of times talking about the mysterious woman in the poem.
I don’t know because every one ignores this fact, even Jamie who asked about the poem earlier.
She tells him he has to bury the doll because that’s what you should do with every ventriloquist dummy.
I’m talking to you, Jeff Dunhum.
So like any normal person, Jamie starts to drive out to the woods with the dummy, in the passenger seat…..I know, right?
He carries it to a cemetery where apparently only first names are important.
We start to find out it’s a cemetery for ventriloquist dummy’s, instead of burning them, gathering the ashes, salting the ground and burning the ashes again, people are burying them.
Jamie tries, but when he gets back to the car, the dummy is running around it like a homeless man wanting a dry place to sleep.
Jamie pops out of his car and doesn’t see anything. So he figures, ok. Must be me and drives away.
Jamie gets back to the crappy hotel room…….. I mean, seriously, ask for a new one.
He comes out of the shower and SURPRISE!!
The dummy is sitting on his bed with Donny Wahlberg.
Because, cops can do that. Sneak into your room and wait for you to get out of the shower.
So Jamie finds out Donny isn’t just looking for a place to stay. He finds out the cop DUG UP THE DUMMY, CLEANED IT OFF and SAT IT ON THE BED, WAITING FOR JAMIE TO COME OUT OF THE SHOWER.
He accuses Jamie of burying evidence and takes the doll.
Instead of, you know, just taking the doll and not being a weird cop who sets dolls on peoples beds.
In the morning, we see the cop leave from the same hotel because like I said, its the only one.
Donny leaves, without the doll…..yeah……..all that trouble and he goes for breakfast with out it.
Jamie sneaks into the, I’m now assuming empty hotel that no one runs, and steals the doll back.
He takes it to Marion, because creepy old women hold all the answers.
Her husband tells about the woman in the poem, who used to be a ventriloquist act years ago. Her opening of the act? Stick the dummy under a kids chair and have him find it.
Her act isn’t funny. It’s like your Aunt talking about people you don’t know for a long time.
During the act though, a kid says he can see her lips move and she starts to have an argument with herself on stage. The audience, who have no idea whats funny, start laughing like it’s part of the act and in no way freaking weird.
The mortician says the kid that spoke up later went missing.
Later when she dies, her last wish was to buried with her dolls and “become a doll” which now has me thinking no one in this town ever questions anything ever.
Now we find out that ever since then, families upon families had been murdered. Their tongues ripped out and posed in positions like dummys which makes you ask WHY ARE YOU NOT ASKING QUESTIONS?
Then the mortician tells Jamie, “Don’t go looking for answers. You might find some” which tells you he’s probably also the Mayor of this no questions asked town.
So Jamie goes across a pond you’d expect to pass the Riverboat Man of Styx to get to the theater they say the woman used to do her act from.
There’s obviously no teenagers in this town because the theater lacks misspelled graffiti and broken windows, but it does still have dolls laying around, so there’s that.
Jamie finds a book with blue prints in it, much like Tony Stark would have, but instead of plans for things that could further humanity, there’s drawings of “How to make the perfect doll”.
Oh, and there’s clippings of newspapers about boys missing, because that’s normal and in no way should be used as evidence.
We flash over to Marion who’s talking to herself, nope, sorry, talking to a dummy. She’s asking it why it stopped talking and the mortician takes it away, putting, sorry, sitting it up like a little person, in a another room, because that’s normal.
We see it’s eyes follow him around the room as Morty the Mortician goes to find Marion under the house in a weird basement like setting you can get to from inside the house and as I’m typing it I don’t get it either because there’s toys and things in here.
It turns out it’s not Marion and “someone” (cough**dummy**cough) locks him in under there.
He then hears the dummy in there with him because I guess one of its powers is teleportation.
You remember when Superman threw that weird S off his chest to battle the villains in Superman 2?
Yeah, its like that. Just don’t question it.
So he sees the ghost of the woman and he gets thrown from the room, head cut up like a dummy.
Jamie goes to see his dad and finds out his brother was one of the kids killed and the the townsfolk, taking a page from Frankenstein and Nightmare on Elm Street, form a posse of crazed parents and killed the woman, making her scream so they could rip out her tongue.
His dad also tells Jamie how every person who went after her started showing up dead. Then their wives. Then their children. Then their children’s children and so on. You get the gist.
It’s curse time.
Donny the cop shows up and tells Jamie that someone has dug up ALL the dummy’s, so now I’m thinking we’re going to see the weirdest Zergling Rush since…… ever.
Jamie’s step mother interrupts his arrest and says he has a phone call.
It’s Henry, the mortician, which we all know isn’t at this point, but says he can prove who killed all the people and to meet him at the creepy theater.
And bring two pennies for the Riverboat Man.
Donny, showing he’s a cop with about as much gumption to chase someone as a fat guy with bad knees, loses Jamie in a very minor skirmish.
Jamie drives to the theater and Donny follows him, saying he doesn’t even have a full tank of gas which tells you he, like you, just doesn’t give a crap about this anymore.
So Jamie crosses the river Styx and gets to the theater.
He hears the morticians voice and in no way asks why he would lead him through the theater in the creepiest way possible.
Jamie, holding a lantern from 1935 instead of a flashlight by the way, finds…..DONNY!!
Yeah, apparently Donny is a ventriloquist dummy because he possesses the power to teleport because there’s no way he could have gotten there in front of Jamie but you’ve thrown out any way of this making sense by now, so screw it.
Donny and Jamie keep hearing ‘ol dead Henry, so they go deeper into the theater because back up is probably three days away at this point.
They find a room like John Doe’s in SE7EN, but instead of real jars of things, every eyeball and organ is fake.
The curtain falls down and we see…..are you ready?
AN ENTIRE WALL OF DUMMY’S!!!!
At this point, I feel bad for prop guys who had to make all these.
Jamie finds out HIS dummy isn’t in the largest collectors booth ever. They instead find a large dummy…..oh, sorry. child, strung up like a marionette.
Now we have TWO different types of dolls we should be afraid of.
It’s the first boy who was taken, dressed up and strung up and still looking pretty good for having been what, about 80 years old?
Now, the wall of dummy’s start turning their heads and at no point does Donny just start shooting his gun like a mad man. Instead they see them all turn and look at….are you ready…?
A CLOWN VENTRILOQUIST DUMMY!!!
Now there’s THREE different types of dummy’s we should be afraid of.
The dummy is now speaking for the old woman and begins telling them about how she would kidnap people and use them for building the “perfect doll”. She couldn’t have kids of her own, so, you know, why not.
What are you going to do, huh? I mean, artists, am I right?
She tells him to come closer and she’ll tell Jamie why she killed his wife.
Donny, who says the only intelligent thing in the whole movie, says, “Don’t.”
But he does and the dummy/old woman tells him she killed his wife because she was pregnant with the last of Jamie’s family line.
So Donny the cop, showing you now this wasn’t just a meal ticket, instead shows you he’s the only freaking voice of reason in this movie, blows the clown doll away with a shotgun because HECK YEAH!!!
Now, all the dolls start to stretch and move because the old woman is living inside them.
Jamie throws his 1935 lantern and sets the place on fire.
We now learn the old woman can make screws come out and breaks a plank Jamie and Donny were running on.
Donny falls off the plank in what can only be described as a scene from a high school play, only to have the old woman fly in and kill him.
Jamie falls under the stage and finds a water tunnel where he uses it to escape.
So roll credits, right?
Remember how Jamie didn’t see his doll in the wall of dummy’s?
Jamie goes back to the morgue and hears voices. He follows them downstairs to find Marion and dead Henry.
She tells him his dad walked in and took it, making his stroke victim dad a liar or a guy wasting a huge blessing of being able to walk again.
Jamie goes home and begins looking for his dad, who apparently also has a power. The power to stop a thunderstorm and rain, because it does.
It just stops.
For no reason.
Jamie hears his dads voice and follows it to find his dummy.
Oh, and the old woman.
He throws it in the fire and the old woman vanishes in a case WHY DIDN’T WE CREMATE THESE LITTLE WOODEN FREAKING THINGS YEARS AGO??!!
Jamie goes over and finds his dad dead and the back of his body hollowed out like a puppet.
He flashes back to all the times he talked to his dad and sees his step mother was always there with her hand behind his back.
So now we find out, in one of the dumbest twist endings ever filmed, his step mom is actually a doll and the old woman lived inside her, even though she was skin and stuff like, you know what?
This movie had dumb people, less people asking questions than 5 seasons of LOST and ventriloquist dummy’s.
CLOWN ventriloquist dummy’s.
Go outside. Enjoy life.
I give to you an hour and half of your life by not seeing it.